QUALIFYING
MB: This is one of the most bizarre and confusing times that I've experienced in my life, as a Formula One driver and a person. Because 99.9% of this paddock haven't seen any trouble - we've moved freely from the airport to the hotels, the city, the racetrack, and we're all getting calls from home, friends and family, saying "come home, it's so dangerous". They think we're in some kind of war zone. It's difficult to compute; but quite clearly it's the main subject of the weekend, so it's an own goal for Formula One in many respects to be here.
(Vergne misses the weighbridge, so Martin gets a chance to talk about being DSQed at Monaco in 1991 for it)
MB: My mitigating circumstance - not that this bugs me, 21 years later!
DCr: But we're gonna bring it up anyway!
MB: ...Is that Nigel Mansell ran over the foot of the man who was pointing us into the weighbridge at Monaco, and they took him away, so he wasn't there to tell me to go in.
THE RACE
(A piece about starting up an F1 car)
MB: And still they don't need a driver! He's probably out back, drinking champagne and talking to girls.
(Sitting back-to-back with Michael for the track guide)
MB: ...and then you turn in, hugging the apex like your favourite granny.
MS: And then, with grandma hugging grandpa behind me, we come to the exit...
(A thermal imaging camera is turned on the pit lane)
SL: I was wanting to see which bits of me were hot, but I'm a bit disappointed. That might mean we've got no soul.
(On the grid with Mark Webber)
MB: The car looks so much better - I was just telling the viewers about the new, or the slot that's gone missing from your rear bodywork that we can't see through yer mechanics.
MW: I didn't know that!
MB: You didn't know that?
MW: No, no...
MB: Watch our programme!
MB: Don't forget, these cars are now full of fuel since you last saw them in qualifying - that's the equivalent of putting two passengers in them, and that is why they're having to be so careful into the braking zone.
MB: Grosjean is just applying the throttle so nicely. Listen to that, just sweeeeeping the throttle down, not allowing any wheelspin.
(Hamilton passes Alonso)
MB: Mr Angry passes the matador.
(di Resta overtakes two cars at once)
MB: That's Christmas and birthday all at once for Paul di Resta, isn't it?
(Maldonado spins as Rosberg forces Alonso off the course right in front)
MB: This is Nico Rosberg's party trick, up the hill, and it was so exciting...
(Massa comes up behind Alonso)
MB: Fernando, Felipe is faster than you. Might be time to do something about that.
MB:These two are neighbours in Switzerland, Raikkonen apparently always beats Vettel at table tennis, will he beat him today?
...
DCr: I was watching him, Martin, just after your gridwalk, and as you were running up to the commentary box, Kimi Raikkonen was just sauntering back onto the grid, you know, race suit down to his waist, just like he was turning up for a Sunday afternoon with his mates. Puts the helmet on, drops the visor, and it's almost like a split personality. He becomes a different man altogether.
(Hamilton comes in for his final stop of the afternoon)
MB: And we have...four wheels on our wagon!
MB: Grosjean, the first Frenchman on the podium since Jean Alesi in 1998.
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