QUALIFYING
DCr: One DRS detection zone for the race, but you can open that DRS throughout your qualifying session, Martin Brundle, if you dare. And I daresay on your run up to the box today, you opened the DRS flap quite a lot yourself? That was an impressive time!
MB: I said to Kimi [Raikkonen] after free practice 3, "the car looks okay, yeah?", and I got six words back, which I think means he's incredibly excited about it!
DCr: That's a proper conversation, isn't it?
...
MB: Let's not forget, of course, that Raikkonen has a five-place grid drop for having to change the cog-box - the gearbox at the back - out of sequence.
MB: Ricciardo's only 16th, Vergne the first one out - I would have lost a lot of money on that.
DCr: Nico Rosberg was talking at the start of the week about the compromise between their qualifying pace, which we think they've got with this 'super-duper' - in inverted commas - DRS, and their race pace, which wasn't what they expectd in Melbourne.
MB: It may be 43 degrees out on the track, but the Iceman set a good benchmark there. That's a properly quick time, a 1:36.7 .
DCr: A bit of work to be done down on Pastor Maldonado's car there. A bit of debris attached itself to the barge-board, there.
MB: Gravel rash, it's known as, inside the teams.
(Introducing Q3)
DCr: McLaren have never been on pole in Malaysia. Will that record be broken today? Will they rediscover their winning streak?
MB: And will Jenson Button be on pole position for the first time in 50 races - his first time for McLaren? Have Red Bull got what it takes? Were Mercedes-Benz hiding...I don't know! Do you? I really don't know!
DCr: Haven't got a clue, to be honest. It's like I'm sat down watching University Challenge. I couldn't answer any of those questions, cos nobody knows!
DCr: It's Hamilton again who has laid down a very impressive marker in this high-speed-stakes and game of poker!
THE RACE
(Ted discusses the Mercedes rear wing)
TK: We explained how air comes in through the DRS, down the rear wing endplates, and then into this rear wing beam. But look! The car was uncovered! And we can see a little bit of piping!
(Perhaps this one is in the delivery; I've gotta love a guy who's so incredibly enthusiastic about his job and the information he's sharing with us. -Ed)
(Then he takes a nosey at the weather radar)
TK: It says that the large shower located to the north-east is moving towards the circuit, a high probability of rain before the beginning of the race. (He turns to point at the large, evil cloud) There it is, Simon! It's a-coming!
(On the grid with Jenson)
JB: Well, it is starting to rain now, we're probably going to have a wet start to the race.
MB: (very brightly) Really? You think rain's that imminent, is it?
JB: Yeah...s'ppose that's quite obvious, really...
(Martin vs Zee Germans, Round 1)
MB: We've got...a fight going on between TV crews, Owen Wilson the actor here...who's, erm, Lightning Queen from the movie 'Cars'...(Kai Ebel sees Martin sniffing around and turns Wilson around so Martin's looking at the back of Wilson's head)...Kai here at RTL, and, er...(Martin pulls a face)...I'll take a step back, then...(he tries to jump in after Kai and gets brushed off quickly) That's always interesting to know. So!
(The rain comes down, the safety car goes out)
MB: So Vergne is still on the intermediates then, and Vettel's gone off on the full wets. How on earth is Vergne getting round the racetrack on those? "Slowly" would be one answer - but he's still there, isn't he?
MB: Remember I said on the grid, the safety car's got about 125 kilometres of fuel - probably a bit more, probably 140 in full wet conditions.
DCr: Have they got a spare?
MB: They have a spare. You weren't listening to my gridwalk, Crofty!
...
DCr: To be honest, I was listening intently to the gridwalk, but I was still chuckling at your int-er, altercation with Owen Wilson down there, which has to be the shortest Hollywood interview ever.
MB: Hah, when he's treading on my toes!
DCr: The view that Fernando Alonso just hasn't got, even behind the Safety Car! It's just like driving down the M1 without your windscreen wipers on - which you should never, ever try.
(The red flag comes out and it's time for more Ted)
TK: Yes, I'm getting slightly damp down here, guys. The teams have their own ways to avoid getting damp. Particularly enterprising I thought were the Mercedes team, who brought two gazebos - they look like the sort of gazebos that you'll get in your common garden warehouse. There's McLaren, they've got one too, don't wanna be outdone by Mercedes, and they've set these gazebos up over their cars, as you can see. I wonder if that's the lesson they've learned...Everyone's got a gazebo! There we go! Learnt a lesson from Canada, where everybody just got completely wet and it got in the computers and everything like that. So there you go, you never know when your local DIY shop is gonna become useful. Maybe a Malaysian one has done particularly good business this week.
MB: Do you know, I've been racing for 40 years, and that red flag countback situation, I've never got my head round it.
MB: Ferrari...
DCr: They've found a gazebo!
MB: Bit slow with the gazebo. Bit like the car this year, unfortunately.
MB: You're living on your wits when you can't really see out the front of the car, like passing a truck on the motorway when your wipers have failed, and your windscreen's obliterated, and what happens is you start listening for the car in front, your peripheral vision heightens, and you start finding new reference points. (A strange replay comes in.) Er, that was a classic shot, wasn't it? Felipe Massa's dad with a cardboard cutout of Felipe Massa, wasn't it, in the middle? Was it? It wasn't the real thing, was it? I mean, I caught it out of the corner of my eye.
DCr: They do have those cardboard cutouts! There's one of Fernando Alonso, complete with silly beard as well, trust me.
(Ever alert for a cheap way of filling in time, Ted zeroes in on more gazebo chat...)
TK: Hello, yes, and you join me - I should say "Ahoy!" - Jonathan Neal, in the McLaren garage. What's your radar saying?
JN: Everybody's radar shows a large green and blue splodge right in the middle of yer screen there, for the last half an hour.
...
TK: As we can see there, Vettel's got a gazebo, you've got a gazebo, did you buy this locally or bring it out from Woking?
(He explains how it was discussed with the FIA and FOM and gazebos are now specifically permitted as long as they don't have sides)
TK: Don't you love that? So Formula One! There's even a technical discussion between the teams and the FIA as to whether they're allowed a tent on the grid!
DCr: Yeah, we had one person Tweet us saying "Is this now the most expensive car boot sale in history?"
MB: I think it would be if a few more of them had run into each other, but impressively, there's not much carbon fibre lying around to sell cheaply, is there?
MB: When I came off the grid and it started to rain, it smelled like steam, it smelled like an old kettle.
DCr: Jean-Eric Vergne just oozes cool, doesn't he?
MB: His boots won't be wet, because he obviously walks on water, doesn't he?
(Natalie Pinkhsm grabs Norbert Haug)
NP: I would have thought a man of your stature would have a direct contact to God?
NH: Ha ha, if I had a direct contact to God, Michael wouldn't have been spun round on the first lap.
(Ted once more, as the restart time is announced)
TK: Where Jenson Button was in the McLaren hospitality area having a cup of tea with the Whitmarshes.
(Martin talks about driving the 2010 Ferrari)
MB: It was a Raikkonen seat. I couldn't get in an Alonso seat - his hips were too girly.
MB: DRS is still disenabled...er, "disabled" is the word I was looking for...
DCr: "Not working."
MB: [Button] is a heating engineer right now, and he's not able to keep his front tyres warm.
DCr: This could be Sauber's best ever race. Ted?
TK: Didn't Sauber win a race?
DCr: No. (Crickets) Maybe when they were BMW...
MB: Always be on the right tyres at the right time.
MB: If you're going to let the leader through, let him positively through! Don't loiter on the racing line like that!
MB: We have some new heroes in Formula One. Sergio Perez, I'm adding Bruno Senna to that list.
MB: You put your thumb into the side of these Pirelli tyres, especially this year's spec, and it'll just go right through.
MB: I feel happy for Sauber, but I think it's the race they should have won. I really do think it's the race they should have won.
MB: There's that controversial pull-rod front suspension. Didn't seem to be too bad today, did it?
...
Suddenly those ugly noses don't look quite so ugly when they're in the winner's circle, do they?
(The cameras show the cars' empty cockpits after the drivers have left)
MB: It looks so peaceful in there after all that activity, doesn't it?
SL: There are some very, very, very happy Italians around me!
Showing posts with label quotes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label quotes. Show all posts
Monday, 26 March 2012
Sunday, 18 March 2012
Australia - The Quotes
FREE PRACTICE 1
(Martin spent FP1 in the pit lane, doing interviews to fill slow moments.)
MB: You know, obviously, lots of pre-season talk about you having problems at Ferrari, and the cars not working. I mean, what is the real - what's the truth here, Luca. How confident are you in this car?
Luca Colliani: Well, the truth is that we'll know something more for tomorrow afternoon. Um, what we said, is that we are behind what was our target, but what does it mean in terms of er, pecking order with the others, honestly it's difficult to say. For sure there are teams like, er, Red Bull, McLaren, who look very strong. We hope we can be competitive with them, when? Time will tell. In the next [?]
MB: How do you say "pecking order" in Italian?
LC: Well, "rapporti de forza"! (?)
(Martin asks Gary Paffett why he's serving as Force India reserve driver despite having a McLaren contract)
GP: Well, Jules Bianchi is their contracted driver, but he's away testing this week, so they sort of asked if I'd step in if anything were to happen, and I'm here anyway, so why not?
MB: So you're leaving banana skins outside the drivers' changing rooms down there, yeah?
GP: None of them have slipped over yet, but there's still time...
(Felipe Massa ends up in the gravel trap at turn 1, then is on the radio asking if there's a problem with the car)
Anthony Davidson: (watching replay and theorising)...so he moved out and...there we go, on the grass. The cameras don't lie! Mmm, "something strange with the car". It was on the grass!
David Croft: Turf on the tyres, I think is the strange thing there, Felipe.
QUALIFYING
(Interviewing someone from Force India, Damon Hill desperately attempts to dance round what the team used to be called without actually saying "Jordan" on Sky, in case we're all reminded how much we're paying for this while EJ's shirts still roam the pit lane on tape delay)
DH: I was just gonna say, we remember the times of yore when, uh, similar sort of, uh, a similar sort of outfit as this, under a different guise, er, won races...
(Glock goes out for qualifying in the Marussia)
MB: I'm still struggling to get used to these ugly Formula One cars of 2012, I have to say - they scare small children, these things. One thing I will say, though, is they sound glorious, as Glock doesn't trouble the apex of 3 at all - Turn 4 looks better. But with the exhaust coming out of the top now, not underneath, and without all that popping and banging of the blown exhaust, and all sorts. I hated it last year - the driver lifting his foot off the throttle and the computer put more throttle in, in some situations. (He then realises he can turn this line round to hawk 5.1 surround for the 2,198th time this weekend and only does it mildly awkwardly.)
DCr: Yes, quite. You wouldn't want to hear the raspberry-sounding cars of old in 5.1 surround.
(Was Senna baulked by Timo Glock?)
MB: Well, perilously close to it, wasn't it? I mean, sort of gormlessly going through the fastest corner on the circuit.
(Vettel comes out and immediately takes the scenic route)
MB: That must be the most-used runoff area in the wirld of Formula One, across there between turns 1 and 2. You can't help but feel that the Red Bull is nowhere near painted to the racetrack as it was last year, and indeed the year before.
(Karthikeyan waddles hopelessly about in front of Alonso, then Hamilton has an adventure of his own)
MB: Narain Karthikeyan, I think his eyes are on stalks trying to get himself round Turn 16, and didn't see Alonso in a hurry behind him. And this is Lewis Hamilton, and he goes off for a bit of gardening on the edge of Turn 1.
(Vettel has more adventures)
MB: Vettel must be in there saying "what's going on??? This is not the Red Bull I'm used to driving!"
DCr: Has the sport changed from Formula One to drifting?
MB: Here's a bit of useless-but-interesting information: Sebastian Vettel is wearing his third different helmet design so far this weekend.
DCr: Has he signed some new sponsorship agreement or something?
MB: He must be looking for a faster helmet!
(Talking about blocking in Q1)
MB: There's only 24 of them, but they all seemed to be out there all the time, didn't they?
(And then, a moment later)
MB: We've lost seven, that should improve the traffic. Especially as two of them were HRTs.
(Alonso spins out)
MB: He dips his wheels onto the grass again! We've seen so much of that this weekend! It's like, this amateur hour mistake. I don't understand why brilliant racing drivers are making that [mistake].
...
MB: I did 40 laps in the 2010 Ferrari at Fiorano last week, and I thought it was absolutely brilliant, to be honest. It was handling very nicely; but this one looks a little bit evil.
...
DCr: It's always a sign of driver error when they return to the paddock with the crash helmet still on?
MB: Yeah. It's hard enough to get a word with Fernando Alonso when he's happy, as I know well on the grid; and you're more likely to get a punch there than a word.
(Massa rides the kerb)
MB: As we watch Massa straddling the kerb - that'll bring tears to your eyes, I can tell you!
THE RACE
(Observation: Hands up everyone who noticed that Sky used an instrumental of Cars, the 80s synthpop hit, the first time they ran down the starting grid? I thought that was quite funny.)
(Martin goes to Fiorano to drive a Ferrari)
MB: Stefano Domenicali, team principal, Ferrari. How does that sound??? You must pinch yourself every day!
...
MB: You wrote to Ferrari when you were a student. I wrote to them when I was a Formula Three driver; I got a letter back from Marco Piccinini saying "we'll keep an eye on you". Thirty years later...
...
MB: That was a very emotional piece for me to watch. I think I'd be extra-emotional if...you know that sick feeling, Damon, when you had your first Brabham?
DH: No!
MB: You did know that feeling! When you had your first Brabham, head up on race morning - I had some dodgy cars in my Formula One career, and you get 'em on a Sunday morning and you really know that unless there's loads of crashes and unreliability, you don't have a prayer of even a World Championship point.
(On the grid)
MB: Jean-Eric [Vergne], it seems five minutes since I was watching you in Formula Three at Thruxton winning the British F3 championship, and here you are on the grid.
...
MB: Sebastian Vettel, now. We don't often find him down here on the grid, do we? Let's see if we can, if he's actually still on the grid, or if he's taking a comfort break, as they say.
...
MB: Mark Webber, over on the side - we might just have found that little zone, I think, when...(spotting Christian Horner) Where's Mark? Any idea?
CH: Not here. I know where he is, but you can't go there!
MB: Ah, well, you'd be surprised. One day I'm going to do that. (later, to Ciaron Pilbeam) You didn't walk to the front of the grid and go "Oh, we're not there any more?" (Back to Horner) So, both your drivers have gone, yeah?
CH: Sebastian said he was going for a Jimmy.
MB: A Jimmy! Yeah, he likes the English language, that one.
(It's rhyming slang, the full phrase being "Jimmy Riddle", meaning "comfort break" - Ed)
...
MB: Let's wander in here and see if we can at least look at a Schumacher.
...
(He finds Jenson Button)
MB: You're looking dead cool and comfortable, chap!
JB: Hah, it's only on the outside.
MB: Why, how's it feel on the inside?
JB: Great!
(They talk about Hamilton and the first corner)
JB: No, I just haven't seen him today. It's always busy, as you know - I know it was a long time ago - but you know it's always busy before a Grand Prix.
(Martin goes for the nipple)
(Vettel mugs Rosberg for position)
MB: That's the man they said can't race in Formula One! Sebastian Vettel, he can only win from the front, apparently! I don't think so! That was amazing!
(And then goes rallycross)
MB: I think he's going to lob it into the corner, and the back end says "You're kidding me, I can't do that."
MB: This is slightly reminiscent to me of 1998, when McLaren came here with Coulthard and Hakkinen, and basically they were so far ahead they just had to make sure that they didn't break down or run into each other.
MB: Big queue behind [Massa] because his rear tyres are going off, as he's just helpfully told us - thank you for that - and that's why he's becoming a bit of a traffic jam.
MB: [Webber'a] tyres are getting a bit second-hand as well, judging by the oversteer he had through Turn 14. And he's ready to hand them back in. Don't think he'll get much for them, because they look like they've had enough.
(Vergne hops out of the way of Mark Webber)
MB: Me probably thought there's no point in fighting that one; the last person who wouldn't yield to a Red Bull in a Toro Rosso is no longer driving a Toro Rosso.
(And then, on the same theme)
MB: Perez, he's in the Sauber-Ferrari, and he's holding up the Ferrari-Ferrari, and he doesn't care one little bit. So, great driving from him, and I'm sure he's frustrating a few World Champions as they coast up behind him and can't find a way past.
(And then, as Perez gets passed by Rosberg)
MB: You could see [Rosberg] thinking - I've done it a million times - gingerly turning in, thinking please don't miss your breaking point, and you sorta turn the wheel and think "Oh, he hasn't hit me!"
(Natalie Pinkham collars John Button)
NP: We're at the less salubrious spot of the bins at the back of McLaren. What are you doing out here?
JB Sr: Toilets are round here!
NP: I spotted you having a fag! How are the nerves?
JB Sr: Oh, er. Okay. Bit nervous. Long, long way to go yet.
DCr: Hamilton's managing that gap, though, isn't he, Martin? Should they really be too concerned?
MB: I think he just wants to get to the end of the race and see Nicole again, doesn't he? She does look absolutely glorious today. (Crickets chirp) But...er, where were we? We were in a race, weren't we?
(Vettel pits and thumps the front jack)
MB: Here he comes into the garage of 22 of his favourite men in the world - except 21 of them only like him, the man on the front jack won't appreciate that.
(Button's team radio)
MB: Ooooh, juicy information! Fuel 4! We've got some motor, then.
MB: It's so easy to have a crash behind the Safety Car. It sounds so silly, doesn't it, but it is! You've got to keep tyre and brake temperature, and yet all of a sudden you've got a faceful of the crocodile of the pack behind the Safety Car.
MB: I don't like this rule. So what? It's the luck of the draw. If they have to get through some back markers on the restart, so what? They're the best drivers in the world. Let's see them negotiate it. I think we should get rid of blue flags. You'll hear me say that once every three races! Passing back markers is a core skill of being a racing driver!
DCr: There's Heikki Kovalainen! Looks to me like he's out of the race in the Caterham.
MB: He's looking trolleyed there, ha ha ha.
DCr: Johnny Herbert the driver steward here, part of the Gang of Four presiding over the race this weekend.
(Massa's retired car has a large mark on it)
MB: I don't know if it was when Massa kicked it as he got out...
MB: About five seconds into this race, when the front of Webber's Red Bull got attacked from both sides, I doubt he imagined he'd be in fourth place on lap 52.
DCr: I wonder, has the Renault got enough pace - the Lotus, I should say! - have enough pace to--
MB: I've done that all weekend.
MB: I think the Mercedes is so geared up to getting on the front row of the grid witht the various devices and the seventh gear that they must have to run to take advantage of those high straight-line speeds, and I guess that they were hoping that they could control the race from the front, but they never got there.
MB: Alonso, as ever, pulls a rabbit out of the hat for fifth in a car that Felipe Massa couldn't drive, basically.
DCr: Is that the finger from Jenson Button for this year,the Vettel finger, that's transferred?
MB: Two of them, anyway.
(The champagne is sprayed and the commentators throw back to Simon Lazenby, under the podium)
SL: They missed us! First Grand Prix, we didn't get any champagne because there was a stiff wind blowing.
MEANWHILE, ON THE BBC
(Massa makes his first stop for new boots)
DCo: He came in so slowly there! It's like he's given up!
(Alonso puts some fast laps in)
DCo: Ferrari have overnight recovered their mojo!
(Raikkonen sneaks past Kobayashi, who was distracted by Massa)
BE: That's exactly why so many fans around the world are so delighted that Kimi Raikkonen is back. He might be monosyllabic out of the car, but boy, he can race when he's in it!
DCo: Difficult times here for Mark Webber, having to be patient with the tyres. You know, you're wanting to push on, and try and create an opportunity, but the way these Pirelli tyres are, you've got about two and a half millimetres of gauge of rubber available before suddenly you lose your little sighter of how much rubber's on top of them, the belt, and that's the point at which they fall off the cliff, and the performance dropoff is huge.
(Martin spent FP1 in the pit lane, doing interviews to fill slow moments.)
MB: You know, obviously, lots of pre-season talk about you having problems at Ferrari, and the cars not working. I mean, what is the real - what's the truth here, Luca. How confident are you in this car?
Luca Colliani: Well, the truth is that we'll know something more for tomorrow afternoon. Um, what we said, is that we are behind what was our target, but what does it mean in terms of er, pecking order with the others, honestly it's difficult to say. For sure there are teams like, er, Red Bull, McLaren, who look very strong. We hope we can be competitive with them, when? Time will tell. In the next [?]
MB: How do you say "pecking order" in Italian?
LC: Well, "rapporti de forza"! (?)
(Martin asks Gary Paffett why he's serving as Force India reserve driver despite having a McLaren contract)
GP: Well, Jules Bianchi is their contracted driver, but he's away testing this week, so they sort of asked if I'd step in if anything were to happen, and I'm here anyway, so why not?
MB: So you're leaving banana skins outside the drivers' changing rooms down there, yeah?
GP: None of them have slipped over yet, but there's still time...
(Felipe Massa ends up in the gravel trap at turn 1, then is on the radio asking if there's a problem with the car)
Anthony Davidson: (watching replay and theorising)...so he moved out and...there we go, on the grass. The cameras don't lie! Mmm, "something strange with the car". It was on the grass!
David Croft: Turf on the tyres, I think is the strange thing there, Felipe.
QUALIFYING
(Interviewing someone from Force India, Damon Hill desperately attempts to dance round what the team used to be called without actually saying "Jordan" on Sky, in case we're all reminded how much we're paying for this while EJ's shirts still roam the pit lane on tape delay)
DH: I was just gonna say, we remember the times of yore when, uh, similar sort of, uh, a similar sort of outfit as this, under a different guise, er, won races...
(Glock goes out for qualifying in the Marussia)
MB: I'm still struggling to get used to these ugly Formula One cars of 2012, I have to say - they scare small children, these things. One thing I will say, though, is they sound glorious, as Glock doesn't trouble the apex of 3 at all - Turn 4 looks better. But with the exhaust coming out of the top now, not underneath, and without all that popping and banging of the blown exhaust, and all sorts. I hated it last year - the driver lifting his foot off the throttle and the computer put more throttle in, in some situations. (He then realises he can turn this line round to hawk 5.1 surround for the 2,198th time this weekend and only does it mildly awkwardly.)
DCr: Yes, quite. You wouldn't want to hear the raspberry-sounding cars of old in 5.1 surround.
(Was Senna baulked by Timo Glock?)
MB: Well, perilously close to it, wasn't it? I mean, sort of gormlessly going through the fastest corner on the circuit.
(Vettel comes out and immediately takes the scenic route)
MB: That must be the most-used runoff area in the wirld of Formula One, across there between turns 1 and 2. You can't help but feel that the Red Bull is nowhere near painted to the racetrack as it was last year, and indeed the year before.
(Karthikeyan waddles hopelessly about in front of Alonso, then Hamilton has an adventure of his own)
MB: Narain Karthikeyan, I think his eyes are on stalks trying to get himself round Turn 16, and didn't see Alonso in a hurry behind him. And this is Lewis Hamilton, and he goes off for a bit of gardening on the edge of Turn 1.
(Vettel has more adventures)
MB: Vettel must be in there saying "what's going on??? This is not the Red Bull I'm used to driving!"
DCr: Has the sport changed from Formula One to drifting?
MB: Here's a bit of useless-but-interesting information: Sebastian Vettel is wearing his third different helmet design so far this weekend.
DCr: Has he signed some new sponsorship agreement or something?
MB: He must be looking for a faster helmet!
(Talking about blocking in Q1)
MB: There's only 24 of them, but they all seemed to be out there all the time, didn't they?
(And then, a moment later)
MB: We've lost seven, that should improve the traffic. Especially as two of them were HRTs.
(Alonso spins out)
MB: He dips his wheels onto the grass again! We've seen so much of that this weekend! It's like, this amateur hour mistake. I don't understand why brilliant racing drivers are making that [mistake].
...
MB: I did 40 laps in the 2010 Ferrari at Fiorano last week, and I thought it was absolutely brilliant, to be honest. It was handling very nicely; but this one looks a little bit evil.
...
DCr: It's always a sign of driver error when they return to the paddock with the crash helmet still on?
MB: Yeah. It's hard enough to get a word with Fernando Alonso when he's happy, as I know well on the grid; and you're more likely to get a punch there than a word.
(Massa rides the kerb)
MB: As we watch Massa straddling the kerb - that'll bring tears to your eyes, I can tell you!
THE RACE
(Observation: Hands up everyone who noticed that Sky used an instrumental of Cars, the 80s synthpop hit, the first time they ran down the starting grid? I thought that was quite funny.)
(Martin goes to Fiorano to drive a Ferrari)
MB: Stefano Domenicali, team principal, Ferrari. How does that sound??? You must pinch yourself every day!
...
MB: You wrote to Ferrari when you were a student. I wrote to them when I was a Formula Three driver; I got a letter back from Marco Piccinini saying "we'll keep an eye on you". Thirty years later...
...
MB: That was a very emotional piece for me to watch. I think I'd be extra-emotional if...you know that sick feeling, Damon, when you had your first Brabham?
DH: No!
MB: You did know that feeling! When you had your first Brabham, head up on race morning - I had some dodgy cars in my Formula One career, and you get 'em on a Sunday morning and you really know that unless there's loads of crashes and unreliability, you don't have a prayer of even a World Championship point.
(On the grid)
MB: Jean-Eric [Vergne], it seems five minutes since I was watching you in Formula Three at Thruxton winning the British F3 championship, and here you are on the grid.
...
MB: Sebastian Vettel, now. We don't often find him down here on the grid, do we? Let's see if we can, if he's actually still on the grid, or if he's taking a comfort break, as they say.
...
MB: Mark Webber, over on the side - we might just have found that little zone, I think, when...(spotting Christian Horner) Where's Mark? Any idea?
CH: Not here. I know where he is, but you can't go there!
MB: Ah, well, you'd be surprised. One day I'm going to do that. (later, to Ciaron Pilbeam) You didn't walk to the front of the grid and go "Oh, we're not there any more?" (Back to Horner) So, both your drivers have gone, yeah?
CH: Sebastian said he was going for a Jimmy.
MB: A Jimmy! Yeah, he likes the English language, that one.
(It's rhyming slang, the full phrase being "Jimmy Riddle", meaning "comfort break" - Ed)
...
MB: Let's wander in here and see if we can at least look at a Schumacher.
...
(He finds Jenson Button)
MB: You're looking dead cool and comfortable, chap!
JB: Hah, it's only on the outside.
MB: Why, how's it feel on the inside?
JB: Great!
(They talk about Hamilton and the first corner)
JB: No, I just haven't seen him today. It's always busy, as you know - I know it was a long time ago - but you know it's always busy before a Grand Prix.
(Martin goes for the nipple)
(Vettel mugs Rosberg for position)
MB: That's the man they said can't race in Formula One! Sebastian Vettel, he can only win from the front, apparently! I don't think so! That was amazing!
(And then goes rallycross)
MB: I think he's going to lob it into the corner, and the back end says "You're kidding me, I can't do that."
MB: This is slightly reminiscent to me of 1998, when McLaren came here with Coulthard and Hakkinen, and basically they were so far ahead they just had to make sure that they didn't break down or run into each other.
MB: Big queue behind [Massa] because his rear tyres are going off, as he's just helpfully told us - thank you for that - and that's why he's becoming a bit of a traffic jam.
MB: [Webber'a] tyres are getting a bit second-hand as well, judging by the oversteer he had through Turn 14. And he's ready to hand them back in. Don't think he'll get much for them, because they look like they've had enough.
(Vergne hops out of the way of Mark Webber)
MB: Me probably thought there's no point in fighting that one; the last person who wouldn't yield to a Red Bull in a Toro Rosso is no longer driving a Toro Rosso.
(And then, on the same theme)
MB: Perez, he's in the Sauber-Ferrari, and he's holding up the Ferrari-Ferrari, and he doesn't care one little bit. So, great driving from him, and I'm sure he's frustrating a few World Champions as they coast up behind him and can't find a way past.
(And then, as Perez gets passed by Rosberg)
MB: You could see [Rosberg] thinking - I've done it a million times - gingerly turning in, thinking please don't miss your breaking point, and you sorta turn the wheel and think "Oh, he hasn't hit me!"
(Natalie Pinkham collars John Button)
NP: We're at the less salubrious spot of the bins at the back of McLaren. What are you doing out here?
JB Sr: Toilets are round here!
NP: I spotted you having a fag! How are the nerves?
JB Sr: Oh, er. Okay. Bit nervous. Long, long way to go yet.
DCr: Hamilton's managing that gap, though, isn't he, Martin? Should they really be too concerned?
MB: I think he just wants to get to the end of the race and see Nicole again, doesn't he? She does look absolutely glorious today. (Crickets chirp) But...er, where were we? We were in a race, weren't we?
(Vettel pits and thumps the front jack)
MB: Here he comes into the garage of 22 of his favourite men in the world - except 21 of them only like him, the man on the front jack won't appreciate that.
(Button's team radio)
MB: Ooooh, juicy information! Fuel 4! We've got some motor, then.
MB: It's so easy to have a crash behind the Safety Car. It sounds so silly, doesn't it, but it is! You've got to keep tyre and brake temperature, and yet all of a sudden you've got a faceful of the crocodile of the pack behind the Safety Car.
MB: I don't like this rule. So what? It's the luck of the draw. If they have to get through some back markers on the restart, so what? They're the best drivers in the world. Let's see them negotiate it. I think we should get rid of blue flags. You'll hear me say that once every three races! Passing back markers is a core skill of being a racing driver!
DCr: There's Heikki Kovalainen! Looks to me like he's out of the race in the Caterham.
MB: He's looking trolleyed there, ha ha ha.
DCr: Johnny Herbert the driver steward here, part of the Gang of Four presiding over the race this weekend.
(Massa's retired car has a large mark on it)
MB: I don't know if it was when Massa kicked it as he got out...
MB: About five seconds into this race, when the front of Webber's Red Bull got attacked from both sides, I doubt he imagined he'd be in fourth place on lap 52.
DCr: I wonder, has the Renault got enough pace - the Lotus, I should say! - have enough pace to--
MB: I've done that all weekend.
MB: I think the Mercedes is so geared up to getting on the front row of the grid witht the various devices and the seventh gear that they must have to run to take advantage of those high straight-line speeds, and I guess that they were hoping that they could control the race from the front, but they never got there.
MB: Alonso, as ever, pulls a rabbit out of the hat for fifth in a car that Felipe Massa couldn't drive, basically.
DCr: Is that the finger from Jenson Button for this year,the Vettel finger, that's transferred?
MB: Two of them, anyway.
(The champagne is sprayed and the commentators throw back to Simon Lazenby, under the podium)
SL: They missed us! First Grand Prix, we didn't get any champagne because there was a stiff wind blowing.
MEANWHILE, ON THE BBC
(Massa makes his first stop for new boots)
DCo: He came in so slowly there! It's like he's given up!
(Alonso puts some fast laps in)
DCo: Ferrari have overnight recovered their mojo!
(Raikkonen sneaks past Kobayashi, who was distracted by Massa)
BE: That's exactly why so many fans around the world are so delighted that Kimi Raikkonen is back. He might be monosyllabic out of the car, but boy, he can race when he's in it!
DCo: Difficult times here for Mark Webber, having to be patient with the tyres. You know, you're wanting to push on, and try and create an opportunity, but the way these Pirelli tyres are, you've got about two and a half millimetres of gauge of rubber available before suddenly you lose your little sighter of how much rubber's on top of them, the belt, and that's the point at which they fall off the cliff, and the performance dropoff is huge.
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